The Grimmiest Drunken Marriage
by martinm95
Summary: Jaune Arc was in for a hellova adventure, when he joined Ruby, Nora and Ren after the fall of Beacon. Visiting Mistral? Check. Getting caught up in epic battles? Check. Getting drunk and accidentally married to the devil herself? Chec- wait, WHAT?
1. Chapter 1

**Sup, y'all. Today is gonna be something special. Recently, I've seen numerous JaunexanygirlfromRWBY Drunk Marriage fanfics. The trend was started by Austin Ga Kill and his "A Not So Cold Drunken Marriage" fic (JaunexWinter) and was then followed by blaiseingfire with "A Drunken Archwitch Marriage" (JaunexGlynda) and by Cyberleader2000 with "A Fluffy Drunken Marriage" (JaunexVelvet) and "A Drunken Marriage With Chocolate Liqueurs" (JaunexCoco). Now I know I'm a scrub compared to these guys, but the opportunity was too good to pass on. So presenting you - "The Grimmiest (is that even a word? welp, it is now.) Drunken Marriage" (JaunexSalem).**

 **Disclaimer: RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth.**

* * *

A meeting was about to be held at the great hall of evil in the Grimmlands. Right now, everyone but the leader were present. The group consisted of a classy gentleman-looking man with a brown mustache named Watts, Hazel – a large hairy man, who was currently taking a shut eye, Tyrian – a braided ponytail guy with a mad glint in his eyes that was squatting on his seat, bored out of his mind, the current Fall Maiden Cinder Fall and her two lackeys, Mercury and Emerald. The two were staring outside the window at the hordes of Grimm being born from puddles of darkness until their mistress signaled them to come to her.

"Yes yes, please keep your… Posse in check" Watts taunted the two, earning a growl from Mercury.

"You hear that? Silence. I've half the mind to thank the little girl who bested you." He continued, this time directed towards Cinder.

"If I were you, I'd hunt her down, find her and … well… she took your eye, didn't she?" Tyrian joined in the conversation, laughing maniacally. Cinder's face grew red with rage and embarrassment. She tried retaliate, but when she opened her mouth to speak only a cough came out. Ruby had not only bested her at the Beacon tower, but also left her with one eye and damaged vocal cords.

"Pathetic. Why did you even try-." Watts began his mocking once again, only to suddenly stop, as if he was waiting for something to happen. After a minute of waiting, he looked confused, grabbing the scroll to check the time. The others, even Hazel, who had woken up, also stared at him in confusion.

"What's up with you all the sudden?" Tyrian asked.

"Haven't you all noticed that every time we have a meeting here, our lady would come in at the right moment to interrupt me mocking miss Disaster here. She never misses the chance to do so." Watts explained. "Except today. She's running late. Something must have happened to her."

Then realization hit them as they all looked towards Tyrian, who remained oblivious.

"What?" He asked.

"Tyrian, yesterday when Salem told us she needed some stress relief, where did you take her?" Watts asked him.

"Oh, just some bar at the shores of Mistral. I gave her some hoodie and aviator glasses I found to conceal herself." He casually answered. The others looked at each other, then back at him.

"You mixed Vodka in her Red Wine again, didn't you? Last time you did that, she had a hangover so bad, she started regularly talking to Ozpin as if he was directly in front of her, even though he was nowhere to be seen." Hazel pointed out.

"eeh heh heh heh,… oops" Tyrian began laughing again, not really caring about what he was accused of, but ceased when he remembered all eyes were still fixed on him. "Hey now. It ain't my fault she drinks cheap shit. Wine doesn't mix well with torture, you know?"

Watts groaned, already feeling the headache he will develop once Salem arrives with a soul crushing hangover. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what happened then?"

"Eehh, she went to some scrawny blonde kid and said" Tyrian cleared his throat, readying his super accurate drunk Salem impression. "Hey kid. Wanna get smashed and partiee?"

With each word, the others grew more and more worried while Tyrian remained with a 'who gives a shit' expression.

"And what happened next?" Watts asked, fearing the answer.

"Hell if I know. I was too busy playing five finger fillet with the drunk mercs and huntsmen. Then I was kicked out. Who knew trained hunters could be such crybabies over losing fingers." Tyrian ranted. "Eh, that place won't be missed anyway. Shame that innkeeper had to go too. She had a nice skirt."

Everyone, except Tyrian, were filled with dread as the doors finally opened. They all stood up to meet their boss, who came in with a furious and pained expression. She looked disheveled and was holding her head in pain. But weirdest of all, she was dragging a scraggly blue-eyed knightly-looking blonde boy with her by using her magic to levitate him upside down. The kid was equally disheveled and was trashing around.

"Cmon, this is not funny anymore. If I was meant to hang upside down, I would have been born a bat faunus or something. Sailaym, - " The boy kept protesting, until Salem reached her throne and promptly dropped him, head first, on the floor.

"IT'S SALEM, YOU IMBECI- AAAGGHH" Salem yelled at him, before another wave of headache hit her, causing her to grit her teeth. The others frowned at Tyrian, who just shrugged. The kid kissed the ground for a bit, before getting up and looking around, noticing all eyes were on him.

"Uuuh, h-hey? Names Jaune… Arc." Jaune smiled sheepishly, scratching his neck. When his eyes fell on a certain crippled maiden in the group however, his expression shifted to one of hatred. But then regained composure when he realized he was in a room with strangers that were no doubt her allies and without a weapon no less. He had to resist pouncing on her, lest he be torn to pieces by everyone in the room.

"My lady, what is this?" Watts finally broke the silence as Salem gestured them to sit back down.

"I thrust Tyrian here already filled you all on what happened yesterday." They nodded. "This" Salem gestured towards Jaune. "And this" she then extended her hand "Is the result."

On one of her fingers rested an elegant ring, enchanted with magic. But what was unique about that ring, was that it was a marriage ring. Tyrian began snickering.

* * *

"Hey, firecracker, you heard that? Sounded like the laughter of thousand hyenas just pierced the entire planet." Taiyang asked, opening the window to look around. In the meantime Yang was pacing around the house, looking for something.

"Daaaaad! Stop getting distracted and help me find my aviator glasses. I think I left them next to that hoodie you used to wear, but now they're gone."

* * *

 **Red Wine and Vodka together is pretty fucking bad, kids. Thrust me, I'm from the internet.**

 **Yeah, that was short. Sue me.(just kidding)**

 **The thing is, I'm not exactly sure where to go with this fic. I have some plans and I will make up more as I go on. Ideas would be really appreciated though.**

 **Now, you guys are probably wondering What happened when Jaune and Salem woke up? How did they react to being married? Why Salem didn't just kill Jaune to get rid of him? Those questions will be answered in the next update.**


	2. Chapter 2

**If you fkn hate college clap your hands. _clap clap._**

 **If you fkn hate college clap your hands. _clap clap._**

 **Oh yeah, the disclaimer. RWBY is owned by the late Monty Oum (RIP, man) and Rooster Teeth.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Bzzt Bzzt.

It was a beautiful day in the Grimmlands,… well… night… Honestly, it's hard to tell. Nevermores were chipping, Beowolves were howling. The alarm clocks annoying buzzing was illuminating the dark, creepy, yet royal looking room.

Bzzt Bzz…

And the clock was promptly thrown and smashed against the wall.

Jaune groaningly rose up from the bed stretching. His head hurt like hell and his brain was barely functioning.

"Bark, bark." He turned to his left to see a big fluffy dog-like Grimm, holding a piece of the broken clock in its mouth and waggling its tail excitedly.

"Good boy." Jaune muttered half asleep, petted the Grimm, grabbed the piece and threw it, watching the dog run after it. Then he felt a cold breeze brush against his skin and started shivering. He looked down and noticed he was completely naked, not even a blanket to cover his skin. His eyes lazily traced around to notice two more things. One, his clothes were sprawled across the floor along with other dark gothic cult like robes he didn't really pay mind to due to his still half-asleep state. Two, there actually was a blanket, but someone lying next to him was hogging it. Jaune couldn't see the other person due to them being entirely covered in the blanket and he was too annoyed to care. He took the blanket off of them to cover himself up. He heard an irritated feminine groan before the blanket was torn from his arms again.

A minute of blanket hogging left and right later, Jaune got frustrated and jumped on the person, aggressively prying the blanket off of them. But as soon as he succeeded, he stopped dead in his tracks, his mind finally snapping into reality as his wide blue eyes locked with equally shocked crimson eyes with black sclera.

let's just say that Jaune found himself in a position to relate to the clock as he was slammed against the same spot on the wall by some dark magic. He tried to struggle, but couldn't even budge. As his assailant approached him he took a good look at them. It was a strange woman with deathly white skin, covered in deep red and purple veins. She had a long platinum colored hair and some weird diamond shaped mark in the center of her forehead. Jaune gulped. She was strangely beautiful, yet terrifying at the same time. But her most terrifying feature by far were her eyes, that were glowing red with fury as if she was trying to burn him to charcoal with her glare.

"Who are you? What are you doing here? Explain yourself now, before I throw you to the Beowolves." Salem demanded. Jaune was about to open his mouth, when he noticed she was equally naked and could only stutter, blushing and turning his gaze away from her. That action didn't seem to please the witch as her eyes narrowed even further.

"LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M SPEAKING TO YOU, INSOLENT CRETIN." She barked in his face, only to reel back as a massive headache hit her like Ozpins barrage of cane pokes when he was supposed to poke her back on Dustbook.

"C-c-can you put something on first?" Jaune nervously said, earning her attention.

Salem looked down, only to shriek and cover herself up, looking around to notice her robes on the floor, along with the boys clothes and armor. She quickly got her own as she threw his to him.

"Get dressed. And if you move from this spot or take a peak, I will make you regret it." She threatened Jaune as he furiously nodded and started putting on his clothes and armor.

While doing so however, Jaune felt there was something on his finger. His blood went cold as soon as he found out what it was. It was a wedding ring. One with strange runes on it, but a wedding ring none the less. He tried to reassure himself that he was just thinking too deeply of it. That the ring was just something he took from somewhere because he thought it looked pretty. There's no way that strange woman would have the same ring like his. That would be ridiculous, right? Right?

"CURSE YOU OZPIN! I KNEW YOU WERE BEHIND THIS!" He heard her scream in the air and turned around to see his fears confirmed true. There she was, staring furiously at a ring on her finger, identical to his.

"I'm guessing you know something about the rings." Jaune nervously said while approaching Salem, expecting the worst. The glare she directed at him stopped him in his tracks.

"It's an old pair of rings, enchanted with powerful magic that binds both wearers auras together. The link is so powerful if one dies, the other dies as well. And to top it all, there's no possible way to physically remove the rings. Which means I'm stuck with you with no way out other than killing myself, until I find a way to get the damn ring off. Glorious!" Salem sat on her bed holding her head, trying to cope with the headaches.

"Bark bark" The fluffy Grimm puppy returned with the broken piece of the clock, putting it down between them and waggling its tail excitedly. Salem picked it up, noticing the time it had stopped at when it was smashed and her eyes grew wide.

"When did this happen, boy?" She asked Jaune.

"About fifteen minutes ago." Jaune nervously answered while touching the tips of his index fingers together.

"Unbelievable! I'm late for the meeting!" Salem raised her voice as she stood up. "I should've arrived ten minutes ago to prevent Watts' scheduled mockery against Cinder again." She picked Jaune up with her magic, ignoring his protests and started making her way to the meeting.

* * *

 **-present-**

"And that is all, that happened prior the meeting" Salem concluded.

"That's quite the story, my lady." Tyrian said.

"Tyrian. I will ask you this one question and I want your honest answer." Salem said as her eyes bore on Tyrian.

"Yes, my lady?"

"… How drunk was I when I made you the medical expert of the group?" She deadpanned, spitting out the pregnancy test that Tyrian had shoved in her mouth, thinking it worked like a thermometer. After the meeting, she left Jaune in the company of Hazel and Watts till she came back, so they could go complete their appointed tasks. She needed to find a solution to their little, litteraly bound together till death problem and fast, as it was hindering with her plans.

"Well, most of the surgeon nuts we see on movies have jars with organs in them, do they not?" Tyrian said, mentioning to his collection of jars with random stuff in them, mostly eyes. Salem facepawned.

"Ugh, just get to your task of capturing the silver eyed girl. I'll do this myself." She picked the pregnancy test and stomped her way to the bathroom, leaving Tyrian alone with his thoughts.

' _What is my lady so worked up over?'_ He thought ' _It's not like she's pregnant or anything. I mean, she's not human, so what could have possibly gone wrong?'_

* * *

 **-elsewere-**

Oscar shuddered, looking around frantically, after hearing a particularly loud feminine "MOTHER FUCKER" shake Remnant to its very core.

" **Oscar we need to make haste"**

"I'm packing as fast as I can." Oscar said to the voice in his head as he continued packing his belongings for a long journey ahead. Ever since he got that stupid voice stuck in his head, it has done nothing but kept on urging him and nagging him to go on a journey to who knows where, who knows why. "What's the matter with you anyway? Is it so urgent?" He demanded.

" **It is. You probably wouldn't understand, but it's a matter of life and death."**

"Matter of life and death?" Oscar grew weary and a little worried. "What could be so important?"

" **Before I was 'killed', I made a final act of defiance and made sure the witch Salem would get into an accidental marriage, involving a special enchanted ring I had my hands on."**

"WHAT?"

" **You see. It is of upmost importance that I do not miss the face she will make when she realizes she's basically stuck with a young scraggly boy for the rest of her life. No offence to** **you, Oscar."**

"None taken, but how is this a matter of life and death." Oscar asked in disbelief.

" **If I get to see it, I'll die from laughter. If not, I won't."**

"You're unbelievable."

* * *

 **AN: So, yeah. These couple of months it has been a combination of college, jobs and lots of pointless projects I would have rather not wasted my time with. As a result, I was stripped away from both time and drive, pushing me to delay the chapter till I have done with that particular nightmarish semester.**

 **Originaly I was supposed to finish the chapter before the end of January, but my damn power jack cable in my laptop had died and I had to wait week and half to replace it.**

 **Anyways, hoped you liked it. Review your thoughts about it. Give ideas if you like and hope to see you next time**


	3. up for adoption

**Greetings fellas. Yeah, if you had read the chapter title, most of you are probably angry and disappointed and for a good reason. After all these years (geez, it's been 3 years?) You saw the story updated, but instead of a sweet new chapter, you are welcomed by this shit.**

 **Truth is, I was actually gonna post a new chapter for real. Had it almost ready and everything. But when I opened up the file to finish it today, it was… blank. Nothing. No words at all. 2K+ words gone. Tried "Open and repair" and other various ways of repair. They all just circled back to the blank page. I know this seems like the typical "but teeeeeaach, the dog ate my homewoooork." excuse and I won't blame you if you don't believe me, but it's the truth. Either that text was not saved properly, or moved who the hell knows where, or just got plain corrupted. I do not know.**

 **With that being said, I will be putting this story up for adoption, because frankly, I don't know what to do with it anymore. Ever since Salem's backstory has been revealed, this messes up everything completely.**

 **When I was making plans for this Drunken Marriage fic, I had to figure out how would I make it so Jaune and Salem get drunkenly married without Salem killing Jaune the day after the marriage (or doing the cliché 'Salem completely falls for Jaune at first sight', which would have been incredibly idiotic, OOC as hell in Salem's case and a pain disservice for her character, (especially since now she's revealed to have been in a looooong ass relationship with Ozma/Ozpin)). The only way I found out to make it work, was by special wedding rings that bind the couple's souls. Basically, if Jaune dies, Salem dies as well and vice versa.**

 **But since she's immortal now, that whole thing is out the window. There is no way to continue the story like this, unless it's an AU (and I don't do AUs). So it will have to be restarted anyway.**

 **I'm putting this idea for adoption for anyone, who would like to restart it and give it the love I couldn't. If you want to take it, send me a PM.**

 **Special thanks to AustinGaKill, Cyberleader2000, Nomb and others for being with me every step of the way. Glad to have been writing DMs along with you guys.**

 **I'm really sorry and thanks for being with me, fellas.**


End file.
